Recently, my weekdays have been reduced to trying to remain productive by scouring the internet for job openings through your standard websites like Monster, CareerBuilder, Michigan's Career Connector, and, heaven forbid, Craig's List.
Initially, I was very pleased with the services provided by these websites. Within a few days of posting my resume, I was receiving calls and e-mails about potential offerings in various industries. After following a few leads, I have come to a startling and sickening conclusion. 99% of online job offerings are complete and utter scams.
It is really unbelievable. This morning, for instance, I received a call from a random 312 area code. As someone active in the job market, my pulse immediately quickens and I stand up and lunge towards the nearest window, contorting my head into positions only a desperately unemployed college grad can find, in order to insure that AT&T doesn't drop me like a ball thrown to Ray Charles. Too soon?
Once I start talking to the HR person sporting a lace veil of sincerity, I have to start wading through the bog of bullshit that is their attempt of legitimizing a job they full-know is to sell at 100% commission a service or product that no one wants.
Now, I have nothing wrong with 100% commission, but when I am asked to prepare a list of over 100 personal contacts that could potentially want life insurance that I can share with said company before they even hire me, I have a massive issue. Almost as big of an issue as I have with run-on sentences. There is absolutely no chance that a single one of my friends is anywhere remotely close to considering purchasing life insurance. I think Uzbekistan has a better chance of emerging as a global superpower by the year 2015 than a single one of my friends buying life insurance by the same date.
Something like real estate? Bring it on. People want that. It is sexy. It is a valuable asset. It can, and will, make you a lot of money in the future. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get a job in the industry right now. I remain confident, however. I have always said that I am a lucky person and I think something will come along soon.
Every now and then you can find the 1%er online. Luckily...I found that with the recruitment event for the Wirtz Corporation. I applied for it off-handedly and was invited to attend the function at the United Center.
Upon my arrival, the scene was not at all what I had expected. I was anticipating (read: hoping to see) a group of about 40 recent big ten college grads. Instead I saw a stampede of salt n' pepper-haired, grizzled pounders of the pavement flocking towards Gate 9 (unfortunately the opposite side of MJ stuffing some inferior opponent).
"Great. Now I get to wander amongst these Wacker Street Warriors as a green neophyte of the business world. I don't have a problem with small talk in areas in which I am somewhat comfortable, but this was not one of them. At all.
When I got inside, it was just what I was dreading. A section of the United Center corridors was roped of with a stand of various soft drinks and water bottles and a massive table of food that no one except for the seedy overly-corporate dimwit in the "formal" hawaiian shirt dared touch. Just bad form buddy, no one wants to see you eat popcorn out of a cocktail napkin. Much less talk to you or, GASP, shake your hand.
Aside from the refreshments, there were 5 booths set up, each representing a different aforementioned business line of the Wirtz Corp. After going to the first few, I mosey over to the Wirtz Beverage booth and began waiting in a fairly sizable line. After about 10 minutes, people around me were all talking to eachother, but me and the 20-something girl behind me remained silent.
Well, this is awkward...say something, Wes...:
Hey, Uhhhh, trying to get a job? No, too idiotic.
Come here often? Sounds like a come on, although she is rather attractive... No! Wes! Business time!
How about them Hawks? Ehhhhh, fairly plausible, but she's a girl. Might not like sports.
So, want to have a small talk networking conversation? Slightly funny and she might appreciate our awkward situation and break the ice. No, Wes. Focus, Game face. Be natural.
Ten minutes later:
Wes: "Wow, this is quite some line we've got here..."
Skirt: "Hah, it sure is. Why don't you go and push everyone out of the way so we can talk first."
Good, nice girl. Funny. I like her attitude.
Wes: "I like your attitude."
Commence standard pleasantries about college location, hometown, current employement, the same Australia spiel (I had to look up that spelling, never written that word before) that I use about 18 times per week.
So after I had locked in a friend and spoken to all of the booths, it was time for a video. We got to sit in the arena, right by the covered ice and watch a corporate video, a blackhawks video set to the theme to Requiem for a Dream (massive chills), and a member of the Wirtz family spoke followed by McDonough, the President of the Hawks. It was a good presentation, but I am rambling.
As a good Samaritan, I gave my new friend a ride to her friends place (she's from out of town and W. Madison is not an ideal place for a cute girl to walk around trying to find a cab at night) and that was that.
I remain cautiously optimistic. There were a ton (perhaps 250) people at this event, but very few youngins, so I feel like we have the entry level jobs locked down.
If not, you all might be getting calls inquiring about your interest in life insurance. As a matter of fact, I take back everything I said earlier. YOU ALLLLLL NEEEEEEED LIIIIIIIIFFFFEEEE INSUUUUUUURRAAANNNNCCCCCEEEEEEE.
